day five: cannonball

i couldn’t say anything. i couldn’t think of what to say. my skin was turning cold, clammy, robert's room feeling suddenly smaller, older. what was i thinking? didn’t i learn this already? love and sex, never the two shall meet, not by both parties, not by both hands and hearts and breath. what was i thinking? but everything had seemed so, so, so, i don’t even know what it seemed. not this, just not this. i move slowly to the edge of the bed, untangling myself from him, letting go.

“janie? where are you going?” he sound so surprised, like what he said would just blow over me, or drip off me, like honey, or syrup. as if not telling troy wasn’t significant in just about every way.

“i’m going home, robert. i don’t know why i came.” I grab my clothes, not looking at him, trying to dress without him seeing any part of me. i am suddenly so exasperatingly shy.

"janie? why would you say that? what did i do?” he is standing up now, too. i don’t look at him, but i can hear the telltale bed sounds, the shift in his weight coming off of it. he is walking towards me, i can feel it, i can feel him. it stops me, even though i want to move. i still look away, at my clothes, the wall, the door..

"look at me, janie. why won’t you look at me?” his voice changes. i can hear the slight brush stroke of panic paint over him. and i can't help it, i turn towards him, look right at him adn that is when the tears fall.

"why can't we tell troy, robert? why? what do you this this is?" my voice sounds sixteen again. i feel sixteen again; confused, conflicted, blurred with emotion.

he's the one to look away now. he turns back towards the bed, past it, grabs his pants, putting them slowly. everthing feels lengthened, like those hallways that just grow longer as the heroine in danger moves in slow motion, in all those predictable horror films. every moment seems to drag, and i stand there stuck. robert walks to the window and still says nothing. the silence is wrapping around us now, fogging over us like a haze heavy in the room, thickening the air. i try to move but i can't, my feet feel glued to this spot on his carpet. all i can do is cry, tears streaming down my face. i don't even lift a hand to wipe them away, just taste the salt on my lips.

robert finally turns around towards me. he looks pale, torn up, hesitation is written across every inch of his skin. i can feel the trip in his voice, how he is holding back, how it is breaking him into tiny little pieces.

"i can't tell troy...because...because he is my boyfriend now, janie. we are...we are together." the words stagger out, forced, pained.

he turns away again, and i feel the sting hit me. every part of my body responds to it, my insides are screaming. i had thought of countless other reasons. that he didn't want this to be more than tonight, that he wasn't ready to change these years of friendship, that he wanted to keep it a secret. i'd had that kind of thing before, guys who wanted to meet you out back somewhere, or in their car, in a van that doesn't belong to them. they didn't want to exchange names or numbers, or lives. that maybe this is a mistake, well it was a mistake, it is a mistake. but not this, not in this way. how is this possible? how is it possible? how di di not know? i feel the shift in me then, from shock to anger, and it lights me up from the inside. i feel flames racing through my veins, in my blood, and my thoughts turn into sharp objects.

"then what the fuck was this, robert? what the fuck was this?” i wasn’t much for cussing. i did it, but not often, and never to Robert. he knows it, knows that only a certain level of pain brings ou tthis kind of cold anger, and this delivery of language. he almost falls backwards, grabs onto the windowsill and holds it tightly. he is cowering in the corner. i've never seen him like this. he starts crying, fast, hard. cryign that turns into sobs, ugly sobs, with snot and tears all mixed up and running all out of you kind of crying. it takes everything in me not to run to him, to cover him in anything he needs. but, i hold my breath and just stand there. i try to hold on to something close to self-respect.

"you don't understand. you don't understand. janie, he doesn't have anyone else. he needs me. i can't leave him alone." the words come out between mor sobbing, in a mess of breath and water. he sounds like he is underwater, like he is drowning.

"then why me, robert? why this? why did this happen? i don't understand? yeah, you are right. i don't fucking understand." i am shaking so hard i can barely stand, i grab hold of the doorknob, hold myself up. i look at the door, and keep my escape open and ready. i know i am ready to run.

"because i love you, janie. i've always loved you. you are my home."