day four: crashing down

i only make it through first period before she sees me. her eyes were wild, on fire, pain and worry and questions and you better tell me woven in with cuss words and high octaves. i can hear all of it before she gets close enough to touch me. i am standing at my locker, leaning really, trying to remember my combination and turn the dial with shaking hands. i don't remember which class is next, where i need to go next. i've kept my head low, so far. kept to minimal conversations, if any.

robert suggested the car accident story to explain the shape i'm in, to give the bruises a reason. i stumbled over the story in the office and that clueless woman behind the counter came around and hugged me, asked me if i was alright. she had almost cried when she told me about a car accident that had happened when she was in high school, how she'd lost her best friend. at least there will be no call home, no notes to sign.

but, i failed on my head to the ground and no eye contact convictions, with sam. i felt her eyes on me before i had actual confirmation that she was near. she was running towards me now, grabbing the sleeve of my dress, with force. i wince as my wrist starts to throb from the pressure of her pulling. her voice sounds jagged and sharp.

"you are coming with me, jane. right now." there is no fighting her, not that i have any fight left in me.

even just coming along with her hurts. the slightest touch is near unbearable, with every hour that passes the pain registers more. some of it is just being touched, touch is so unbearable. but, i can't say it, i just swallow hard and keep walking. it was a car accident, just a car accident. a car accident. she leads me out of the building, through a side door we used to ditch classes. we would sneak out during pep rallies, or other such school spirit gag me activities. this was the side of the school the security seems to forget about, the side with the gap in the fence, just big enough for skinny girls to squeeze through and determined boys to climb over. the sleeve of my dress snags as i push on to the other side. the sound of fabric ripping makes me jump, hearing it startles me, it is too recently familiar. i feel the taste of vomit in the back of my throat, choking me into a deeper silence. but, i keep walking. i keep following sam.

finally we stop in the field behind the school where they are planning to build yet another housing track. it is deserted at the moment, all the workers are on the other side, on a break, or something. sam drops down to the ground, sits cross-legged, and stares at me with that look of determination; the kind that screams i have all day if it takes that long.

i sit down, too, wincing when i cross my legs, trying to mimic the ease she seems to have. i am trying so hard to look okay.

"tell me." she says firmly, looking at me head on. when i try to look away she crawls in that direction until she is face-to-face with me again. she scoots herself closer until we are touching distance, knee-to-knee, like when we were kids.

"tell you what?" my voice is cracking again, damnit. i want to sounds strong and fine.

"tell me what the fuck happened to you, janie? the two weeks you haven't been here, the bruises that you tried to cover-up with what looks like clown make-up, that look on your face. that long dress and my boots, in this heat. what the fuck, janie?" she was a mile a minute, her words flying out of her, yet she doesn't move. she keeps her knees to mine, her eyes to mine, unwavering.

"car accident. i was in a car accident." my voice is too quiet and my eyes shift away, i can't look at her and say this. i can't. i will lost it. keep it together, just fucking keep it together.

"seriously, jane. a car accident? really? whose care then? when was this? where? who else was with you? what street? what time?" her questions go on and on, firing at me. i know it is no use to lie to her further. the lies would weave into more lies, and into even more lies, and then into nothing. this is impossible. sam is impossible.

"i was in a car accident." i barely whisper it now, my voice just won't come out. it is sticking like carnival taffy, and tar, and quicksand; all of it mashed and mixed together in the back of my throat. i can't breathe. my eyes are stinging, dry and burning. she stammers for a second, sighing, seeming like she will just walk away and leave me there.

but then i think she sees me, really sees me, and she just stops. she stops the questions, she stops moving, she stops everything. she just grabs hold of me, gently, wrapping her arms around me. she lets me cry.